Life...

I haven't been on here in DAYS! Well, I lied, I check it everyday but I haven't been up to writing for some reason which is VERY odd because I love writing and I write letters to my dad every night. But something has just been keeping me away from writing on here. April brought to pass the first major holiday without my dad and while we tried to do it as "normal" as possible, it was one of the hardest days so far for me. At my parents dinner table, me and my dad sat across from each other--and now I stare at an empty chair. I stare at an empty plate, I walk into a quiet room, I am the only one who laughs at my jokes, and I only say goodnight to one parent. God, seriously I miss him so much. People keep trying to tell me to "give it time" and I swear when I hear them say that, I just want to punch them in the face! So note to self, if you even THINK about saying that not only to me but to ANYONE going through a rough time, you BETTER think twice! I tried to go back to chuch with my mom and nephews one day last month and the key word there is TRY. I walked into the chuch building and FREAKED out! Keep in mind that the last time I was in the church was for the services and all I could picture was having to go through that day again. I have tried to explain where I am coming from to a few different people and they just don't get it. They keep telling me to keep trying and go back but I am just not ready. It's not that I am mad at the church or anything, but just having to put myself back in that building is not good for my mental state as of now. My life these days really is one step forward 2 step backs and it sucks. But anyway, what else happened this past month? I went to San Fran for a day trip with 3 of my sisters and my mom which was really fun even though our original idea went out the window. We were going to go to the exploriatorium on the first Wednesday of the month for free but the line just to get in was over 2 hours! Are you kidding?!? We will just pay 15 bucks to get in on a normal business day! This coming Saturday we are headed to the beach for a day celebrating mom since she wanted to be alone on her birthday! I love going to the beach and I think spending time with the family away from home is just a FANTASTIC idea! I am so glad the month of April is almost over because it is the month I go bankrupt do to a never ending list of birthdays that seem to be in this month! I swear people apparently are VERY horny in the summer...leading to TONS of April birthdays! Plus, May 26th is the last day of work for the summer! SOOO EXCITED! I have so many trips going on in the summer with my mom and Tara that good times are bound to happen! I am mostly excited for our Utah/Idaho trip because its just me and my mom and we are visiting family members and friends that are like family so it will be an amazing time! Plus throw in some Disneyland trips and beaches, solvang, and you will have my summer! I am so excited to be able to tan again! Beth and I are planning a fun birthday celebration for my dad too and even though its not till August, we are so caught up in planning everything to make sure its super special! I am excited to be able to plan it! Oh and as far as work goes, I am looking for a full time job instead of just my 3 hours with a couple resource groups but I am keeping this one till I officially get a new one. I am not going to be getting rid of this amazing job without another in line! I have been trying to find a job in Utah so I could live there in the summer but I havent been able to find one so I will probably just be here with family which is totally fine with me! Anyway, I just feel like I am rambling on here so I am gonna go. Peace out world...

February...

How do I sum up February?!? Simple...horrible, shitty, worst month of my life, hopeless...literally the list can go on and on but I will spare you all the names. February was the worst month of my life. Its the month my life forever changed and will never be the same...its the month I lost my dad. It's weird because I have NEVER had to experience death. I mean, my uncle that my family was really close to died when I was 6 but I dont remember the funeral or anything. And other than him, that's the only family member that has died that has been close to me. So when February 16th came, it was so much harder than anyone could imagine. I am left with the what if's, what now, why, and all those questions and situations that go through my mind. Perhaps it would have been a TAD easier if my dads passing was meant to be but no, it was a result of a patient mixup. Seriously?!? What day do we live in and they cant even check their charts to see what patient needs what? I know that March is going to be hard because we have meetings upon meetings with doctors to figure out what happened, what went wrong, and most likely, to set up a meeting with a lawyer. I just wish my dad was given another chance. You hear so many times of people that were given another chance but not my dad--why?!? I know he was an amazing person but seriously I still needed him around. I still, to this day, wait for him to come home. I go to make his dinner plate, I go to call him when I am lost and need directions, and I wait to say goodnight to him--but now I have to say goodnight a different way, I have to find a way outta my issues, I have to make one less dinner plate and one less phone call. If you couldn't tell--I miss him so much. You would think the loss of a family member would bring a family together--not my screwed up family. Ever since the funeral, we have been so far apart and everyone has been in a fight with everyone. I still wait for the day when we can sit around a table as a family and enjoy each others company--I have hope! Speaking of the funeral, luckily my dad was freakishly creepy and planned out how he wanted the entire day to go so we didn't have much to worry about and the day went off without a hitch. We had the hershey kisses at both doors (he was the "candy man" at church), we had his hillbilly milkshakes at the luncheon (peanuts in soda), we had the entire family there, we had the speakers he wanted, etc. Apparently the chapel was PACKED full and tons of people were outside in the lobby! I dont remember seeing a SINGLE person but then again, I dont remember much from that day. Thank goodness for Tara taking pictures like my mom asked to help us remember it. Obviously with this, I wasnt in work for a week and I was so bumbed that I was going to get such a small paycheck but nope...I got paid for the whole week I was gone! Best news I have heard!!! I am also glad I had so many family members come into town because they are my world and they mean sooo much to me! We were able to go bowling and to the ice cream company in memory of daddy and I am glad they were able to be a part of it! My students have been pretty good since I came back--except one girl who CONSTANTLY comes up to me and talks to me about her dad--I swear I just wanna kick her one day! HA. Valentines day was uneventufl--call me crazy but I thought my freakn boyfriend might actually come down that day since he has the weekends off--but dont worry...he didnt! Needless to say, we are not together anymore! February might be the shortest month but I will forever think of it as the LONGEST month.

Daddy...

Simply put, my dad was amazing. Was he perfect? No, but then again, who is? Did he make tons of mistakes in his early life? Of course, but he spent everyday of his later life working to become a true disciple of Christ. He loved the gospel more than anyone I have ever met. My family was the world to him and he was constantly putting himself out to help meet the needs of anyone else. My dad didnt have many friends, because he didnt consider them friends, he considered them family. Every person dad met, he took under his wing and made them part of the Nelson Clan. Yesterday will forever be the worst day in my life. It's the day I lost my best friend, my mentor, my example, my comfort, my strength, my dad. Last night, when I decided I should try to sleep, I laid in bed and just closed my eyes and pictured my dad. I pictured him standing next to me, comforting me at this time. I picutred him standing in the kitchen doing the dishes making this crazy noise with his nose that sounds like he is driving a car. I picture him riding my Mo-ped and being so excited that he felt young again. I think of the times when he was my coach in softball and he always taught me to never give up--a lesson that I am trying to heart at this moment. Dads favorite thing to do was to sit on the couch just looking at each of his kids and grandkids run around playing with each other. Dads hardwork can be seen throughout my parents house with everything they have, as well as with his own personal business. He worked hard everyday to make everything perfect for each and everyone of us. My dad became my friends dad...they would come and visit him even when I was in Idaho for school. He was never afraid to speak his mind and offer his ideas, thoughts, worries, concerns, and love for others. He always had the open door policy and he would never change that for any reason. I find myself waiting to hear his voice in the house, waiting to hear the door slam because he couldnt, for the life of him. close that door quietly. I wait to hear him cough so we know where he is, I wait to see him laying in his hammock, I wait for him to come by so I can tell him I love him one more time. I miss my dad so much. He always lit up a room when he walked in. He was never afraid to chase his dreams, and he always taught us to follow ours and never give up. I am confused what happened yesterday. Why did he have to leave before I got married and had kids? Why did he have to leave on a day he was doing so much better? You know, yesterday was the anniversary of when he proposed to mom...33 years ago. Their love has made it through so many things and now I look for his love to help me through this. Daddy I know you are in a better place, even though I dont want to believe it. I know you were greeted by your sister and parents, and many others that have loved you so much. I hope you know that I love you so much and I miss you terribly. I am sorry I couldnt walk back and say goodbye, but I cant grasp the concept of what has happened. Please continue to grant your love upon the family. You know we will need it. Thank you for bringing us together again, for showing us the true meaning of family and love, for always making me smile and laugh. Just remember your little girl loves you and misses you terribly. I LOVE YOU DADDY!!!

2010...

Can you believe its already been a month in this new year/new decade?!? I sure cant! I recently was corrected the other day when I said its 010...they told me its called 20 10...really does it matter?!? Its the same freakn thing so just let me say what I will and I will go on happily! HA...I just kinda laughed it off like I do most things but then I was really thinking about it and wondered why it matters what we call it! Its the same year...its like the old tomato way to say things! Anyway, enough about that! I started my first big girl job this year and I have loved every minute of it! Being in a resource classroom is more than words can explain! The kids are awesome..most of the time! Its been a little challenging lately because of the huge rain storm (4 days straight is HUGE for us) so the kids have been extra hyper...but I still love them! I am excited for the upcoming month because we will be making Valentines with them and bringing in treats for a Valentines party! WOOHOO! Not to mention two 3 day weekends back to back! I knew I always LOVED February! I recently got a call from another school district asking for me to apply for a position with them...I applied so now I am awaiting a call back! I thought it was strange yet really cool that they called me and asked me to apply! If I get this job, I will be moving out of my parents house by my deadline for sure! So fingers crossed!!! :) January was a fun month with starting over and making some little goals. My goals for this year were pretty simple, mainly to be more adventurous and try new things! I have decided to create a bucket list of things I want to do before the end of this decade so when I am done working on that I will post it! :) If you have any ideas, you should share them! I have been watching the buried life and getting some GREAT ideas from there! Anyway, I am kinda a little sad about Valentines this year since my Valentine is 8 hours away, I wont be seeing him! :( It sucks having one and yet not having one at the same time! At least I know he is working hard and trying to switch his schedule around so we can hang out more! HAHA...Oh and I almost forgot, Chuck found out his wife is having another boy, so that brings the tally to 6 nephews and 1 niece! I think someone in the family needs to start popping some girls out! Just hopefully not Chucks family, and not Manda...they should be content with the ones they have! HA...

December...

Did Christmas really just come and go?!? I swear it still has not hit me that Christmas was here...yet alone that we are almost into a new DECADE!! INSANE! December brought many tears for many different reasons and as happy as I am to say hello 2010, I am still somewhat sad and hesistant to say goodbye 2009. As you know from my previous post, I FINALLY graduated!!! It felt AMAZING to have my family and close friends around me that entire week...something I constantly wish would happen more! With graduating, came packing, cleaning, and moving. As much as it stinks to be 22 and living with mom and dad, I feel as though I have adjusted well, and they are FINALLY treating me like an Adult! HAHA...for now at least! I decided to just list somethings that I did this month, as well as things that have happened in my life! Enjoy!!!

*Got my first flu shot (did you know they do a nasal spray thing instead of a shot?!?)

* Found adult footie pj's and almost bought them...till I realized they were over 2o bucks!!

* GRADUATED!!!

* Made my first snowman (much harder than you think)

* Made snow angels for the 2nd time in my life

* Went to an after dark bachelorette party (hehehe)

* Officially said goodbye Idaho Hello California (4 years=way too long!!!)

* Welcomed another "niece"...Camilla Elise Terry

* Graduated college with the EXACT same GPA as high school!

* Thanks to dental work, found out what its like to have a paralyzed body part

* Got a new car thanks to mommy and daddy

* Became an adult by getting a REAL job with my degree

* Cried over the big things my family has gone through

* Cried over the little things (ie no turkey meat HAHA)

* Decided I dont need New Year Resolutions

* Worked things out with Ryan...3rd times the charm...RIGHT????

* Realized what FAMILY really means

* Cried when I saw my dad sitting in the stands at my graduation...just a month earlier, they said he wouldnt be alive

* Put major highlights in my hair

* Decided to get bangs after not having them for literally 13 years!!!

* Realized home is where the heart is...and my heart is in California!!!

* Cried when I found out the seriousness of my sisters drama right now

* Celebrated Milo's first birthday

* Laughed so hard I peed my pants on Christmas day thanks to family

* Made the BEST gingerbread house so far

* And finally, realized that even though my life isnt perfect, and I often think things arent fair, my life is pretty amazing and in the end, I wouldnt trade it for the world!!!

GRADUATION!!!

I AM DONE!!! Never going back to Idaho feels AMAZING!!! Friday and Saturday were graduation days and I was able to have my entire family (immediate) in Idaho with me...minus Garrett who was missed! It still hasnt hit me that I actually graduated and am really in the big world now, but I think it might come April when I dont have to pack up and leave again. My time in Idaho was filled with laughs, cries, drama, bestfriends, fights, and most of all, the most amazing people and memories ever! I am already planning a trip for summer to go back and visit...not because I will miss Idaho, but because I already miss the people!!! Its funny how they really do become your friend when you are there for FOUR years! I was just looking through pictures and it seems so surreal that I was there, in a cap and gown, walking the stage!!! When will I realize that I am done?!? Maybe never...maybe tomorrow...I dunno but I know for sure that I am thankful for the love and support I had my entire college experience from family and friends. I couldnt have made it through without them! :)

November...

Umm call me crazy but where did November go?!? I swear we totally skipped that month in general! HA...weird! Anyway, I was able to stay in Rexburg for Thanksgiving and it was an interesting experience! I was home alone for it and it was so nice to not have to worry about the other girls and all that drama! Plus, my apartment stayed sooo clean! I was able to get a TON of homework and projects done, which put me ahead for like a week! I went shopping on Black Friday with Manda...we pulled an all nighter and were out in line at Wal Mart at 2am...we were determined to get some good deals, and we did! It was fun! I love black friday shopping...mainly because I love crowds and traffic! HA By the end of the week, I was so ready for my roomies to come home! Well, 3 of the ones that were gone! I missed them tons at the end of the week and found myself wanting to tell them crazy stories and they were never here! HAHA...the rest of November was just dandy...our first actual snow storm came in and the snow stayed...BOO!!! Guess its going to be snowy the rest of my time here!!!