1 year...

525 948.766 minutes without you. Today marks the year mark of that horrid day and somehow I am still stuck in that dreadful hospital. I am stuck standing in the hallway as I watch Chuck come out to get mom. I am stuck screaming and no one hearing. When does this end? People kept saying “it will get better with time”…well it’s been a year, and nothing is better. The family is more dreadful than ever, the pain is just as strong, so I am left wondering how is this better? Every time I see a Taurus on the road, I stare it down trying to see if it’s you driving. Lately I have been “seeing” you around me so often and these games my mind is playing are not fun at all. Christmas morning I walked into mom’s house and turned the corner to the kitchen anticipating you and your horrid Christmas hat…you know the Disney tree one that sings and lights up…cooking up a big southern breakfast…but the kitchen was empty. I still to this day cannot drive by the hospital, I will go the opposite way on purpose just to avoid it at all possible. To this day, I have all the phone calls, texts, and emails saved from family on the day it happened…a year later and I still cannot seem to erase them. God dad how I miss you so much. How I wish so badly you could meet Shaun and get to know him. How I wish so badly you could see how happy I am right now. It breaks my heart knowing that you will never know this phase of my life. The 16^th of every month I still get the same dreadful feeling in my stomach when the clocks strikes 7:20. I still hear in my head the code blue, still see what everyone is wearing, still see us all jump up. For that moment, the family was together. For that moment we didn’t care about any outside fights or disagreements, we stood huddled together all secretly saying a little prayer in our minds, a prayer that was left unanswered. For that brief moment we were united, standing together, being the strong Nelson clan, only days later for it to shed and fall apart. This feels like a dream; a dream that I cannot wake up from. Tell me, when does this end? People say that for every tragedy there is a lesson to be learned and in the end we end up grateful for it. Well,1 I am still waiting on the lesson to be taught to me, and 2, I will NEVER be grateful for this…ever. Everything about Feb 16 2010 is playing out in my head. From the moment I woke up, to talking to you about Full House on the phone, to going to work, to getting to the hospital…all of it is constantly on repeat in my mind. Seriously does this ever end? I know we come to terms knowing that we will one day see our parents pass before us, but it shouldn’t be because of a stupid hospitals mistakes, it shouldn’t be before we have closure, before we are done creating and sharing all the memories and moments together. I think of you A LOT. I am pretty sure Shaun knows just about everything about you. You are my new favorite subject to talk to people about; you always did like being the center of attention and now you still are! Songs that never had any importance to me, suddenly make me cry at the blink of an eye. Holidays that used to be fun and exciting are suddenly so dreadful and uneventful. Things that used to make me laugh no longer do, and jokes don’t ever seem as funny as to when you would say them..and your jokes were never even funny! I guess what I am trying to say is that I miss you so freakn much. I think of the memories we had together, both good and bad, the lessons you taught me by word and action, and I think of where I am today, at this present moment and I just wish so badly that you were here with me. I wish you were the man driving so slow in front of me on Pelandale, I wish you were the person calling me on the phone, I wish you were here, even for 1 hour so I could say goodbye the right way. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time moving on, because I didn’t get the closure I needed. Then again, what is closure and how do you get it from this situation? I don’t think I will ever know and I don’t think I will ever find out. I miss you dad, I love you so much and I hope I am still making you at least a little bit proud of me!